I’m going to be really truthful here and bare my soul, which is making my palms sweat. I’ve been on a temporary hiatus from the blogging world and life in general. Sometimes we’re made to think that mental illness is embarrassing and not a topic you openly discuss with the world. Or maybe others do feel okay sharing. But for me, I find it really hard. In my mind, the bottom line is that people have diseases of all types, whether it’s diabetes or heart disease. Anything related to the body is socially accepted. Yet, bipolar, depression, OCD, etc. are the same thing, they just manifest themselves in the mind.
12 years ago, the first time I was hospitalized, I was diagnosed with bipolar and I felt shitty long before that. I have literally tried every medication and form of therapy there is to try, but it’s been pretty treatment-resistant. Three times a day, I whip out bottle after bottle of pills and take them religiously. I feel like a 90-year-old woman. At best I’m floating by. I’m not particularly happy, I’m not sad, I just feel sort of dead. The chemicals numb me. At worst, I cry constantly, can’t get out of bed or leave the house, feel hopeless, restless, and irritable, have anxiety attacks, and just want to die.
This part is terrifying to discuss openly: About three or four years ago, I was going through a particularly rough time and I went into my apartment, locked the door, took every single pill that was in my house and overdosed. My brother rescued me. After a stint in the emergency room, I was hospitalized once again. I saw what it did to my family and I would honestly never ever try to kill myself again. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
Each time I enter a program or switch to a new medication, I wait for this cure and think “I’ll be normal. I’ll be better soon. I can’t wait to be happy.” It doesn’t work like that. I’m sad to say that I had to go back again after the suicide attempt, but in an outpatient setting. I feel like a failure. Why can’t I get better? I’m saddled with this disease for life. This isn’t even a woe is me post. I’ve made peace with that aspect. It’s managing the symptoms, lessening the amount of medication I’m on, and my self-destructive behavior that is of concern to me.
The past two months have been incredibly difficult for me. I’m losing it. I’m not going to lie. My arm is covered in cuts and scars like a sullen pre-teen. I had an intake interview today and tomorrow I start a partial hospitalization program at yet another hospital. Once I’m no longer a danger to myself, I graduate to intensive outpatient. It’s a 12 week program. It’s a huge commitment, it’s definitely a mindfuck, and I don’t feel as hopeful as I did during previous attempts. But I’m keeping an open mind.
I am hard on myself because I’m a yogi and I teach yoga. I have this misconception that a true yogi wouldn’t be on a shitload of medication or need constant therapy. Asana practice, mindfulness, clean living, meditation, and pranayama are amazing wellness tools. They have honestly transformed my life and keep me somewhat sane. But even if I reach samadhi tomorrow, I’m still going to have bipolar. It’s not something that enlightenment or spirituality can vanquish. It just is. I’ve heard so much nonsense in my life time about how to overcome it without medication and how to rise above and eliminate it. That’s just not the truth. It’s brain chemistry. And episodes happen, albeit less intense when you’re on the right meds and find an awesome therapist.
I don’t want to focus on my issues for three months. But I NEED to get out of this dark place and find some normalcy and peace. I want to decrease the pharmaceutical nonsense I’m on so that I can feel something. Therefore, I’ll put everything I have into it and keep up with my yoga. In one sense, I feel blessed to be crazy. It makes me see the world in a different way. It’s what allows me to write and be super weird. It’s made me who I am. But it’s still a real handjob at times.
I’ll wait until I’m feeling better to write my next post. It will be joyous and filled with kittens, llamas, puppies, and giraffes. Until then, I’m going to be clawing my way out of this hole I’m in.
Very brave of you to post this. I completely understand the feelings around being a yogi and not feeling like you should need medication. I’m actually debating taking anti-depressants right now (which my doctor is recommending) and I think the big thing holding me back is feeling like I shouldn’t need then because yogi’s can fix anything if they really set their minds to it. Unfortunately life isn’t always that simple and we do need to look after ourselves in whatever way needed. I hope that this program helps you and you can find some peace. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you so much for your kind words. And thank you for sharing that I’m not the only one struggling with reconciling yoga with health issues. That means a lot. I hope you’re able to find an answer as well.
Yoga doesn’t make us perfect, or less real, or less human. Or at least it doesn’t for me! I think it can give us perspective or a way to see the struggle differently. I think you are really brave for posting, and for taking the steps you need to to get to a safer place.
Thank you for the kind words Carrie. Deep down I know you’re completely right. Yoga does give us a way to see the struggle differently and doesn’t make us perfect or less real. I guess sometimes when I’m really feeling low I forget to stick with the yogic path or remember that I’m not solely my emotions and feelings. I going to try to dedicate myself to my practice and not let it slide.
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. It’s heartbreaking, and I can relate to what you’re feeling. You will be in my thoughts.
I’m glad others can relate (well not glad if they’re feeling terrible, but you know what I mean). Thanks for the support. It means a lot.
holy cow. you’re more and more heroic to me every time you write. thank you for writing this – truthing the shit out of it all, if you want my opinion…opens lots of doors for a lot of others. i have missed you, and will go on doing so. i can wait till you’re back, but it won’t be easy
It’s not heroic. I’m just tired of feeling like suicide or mental illness should be such a shameful secret. It’s annoying disappearing for a month every few years and making up some lie about where I’ve been. One time it was a vacation in Germany, another time a bleeding ulcer. Screw it. I’m just crazy and fine with it. I’ll return soon and I’ll definitely be reading your blog for some of your thoughtful insight. Thanks for the support!
Get better soon! My son has bi-polar and we have gone through many difficult times including suicide attempts. It is a tangible disease, but so tough to treat. Get better soon!
Thanks Iris! I will. I hope your son is doing well. It can be frustrating.
Good job. In Europe people with bipolar are divided into one (experienced psychosis once or more) and 2 (lighter version). How many grades are there in America?
Why thank you. I’ve been reading your blog as well. I think putting everything out there honestly is very brave of you. We have Bipolar 1, which is depression mixed with mania and Bipolar 2, which is depression mixed with hypomania (irritability, restlessness, racing thoughts, basically not fun mania). There is also a mix.
Don’t beat yourself up about the medication. If you had, I don’t know, say heart disease and needed medication, would that make you feel the same way? That you should be able to fix it yourself through yoga? My ex is bi-polar, which is mainly why he is my ex. He couldn’t talk to me about what was going on which is a big part of why he is my ex. So don’t stop talking about it!
Thank you so much for that. I agree that it’s like taking heart medication, etc. I guess I just think sometimes that meditation, yoga, and healthy living should fix my brain. I can imagine how hard it was for you if your ex was hiding it and leaving you in the dark. Mental health issues take their toll on the person and everyone around them.
I was in a 500hr training and this particular 10-day module required a lot of self-revelation in our group of 50. And one after another, really difficult personal situations were shared with the group. And I thought what a big-hearted, brokenhearted group we are. For you to share your journey in this way is the very best sort of teaching. To move toward the wholeness that yoga aims at we can’t deny any part of ourselves. Thank you for letting us be with you. Deep bow.
Thank you David. That really does make me feel better about everything. There is nothing like the self study in yoga teacher training. You learn that no one is perfect and everyone has things that they deal with. Your support means a lot.
Thinking of you, and hoping that you get what you need from the program. I know what you mean about doing all the “right” things to get better and still suffering from mental illness. Like you, I believe that it will always be a part of me, I just want to make it manageable. I used to be a yoga teacher and fitness instructor, but have been so mentally ill that I wasn’t able to keep up teaching. One day I will go back to it. Thank you for your very brave post. Hugs.
I actually just commented on your post prior to checking my comments. Thank you for your brave posts. It makes me feel a little less lonely. It’s frustrating to do what we are supposed to do, yet not get relief. Your blog just really resonates with me and I wanted you to know that you sharing made it easier for me to share. I hope you’re able to find your way back and get what you need in order to have the freedom to do the things you love, like yoga teaching. Hugs to you too.
you are amazing. i have loved sharing your stories and your comments on mine have inspired me and given me a warm connection with a wonderful woman called colgore. i am touched by the pouring out of your heart here on such a personal subject and send you oceans of hugs and support. i can only imagine what you’re going through at the moment, but i hope you know your wordpress family is around you for and wishing you whatever it is you need to feel what you need to feel
continue to be strong…and write write write. it helps so much just to share and get it out and who knows what you’ll get back. biggest smoochiest hugz girl. xo
I love you t.dot! This comment brightened my day. You are the most honest writer and that inspires me to put it out there even though it’s terrifying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. XOXO
i’m sooo glad
i’ve been stupid busy with school and haven’t had to time to read never mind write anything other then schoooool! 
i’ve missed you, been thinking about you and wanted to send out a shout. HEY COLGORE!!! WASSUP?!!! lol… silly. yup that’s me. hope you are managing baby. hugz and love right backatcha xo
wow. what a beautiful, beautiful post. I will be thinking of you and hope this upcoming journey is healing and helpful. look forward to your next post whenever it may be, and whatever it may be about. lots and lots of love.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I think the journey will be helpful and healing. I’m just going to keep at it.
well done for posting.
I had serious anxiety 15 years ago and indeed was the reason I took up yoga – which definitely helped more than anything else – though it wasn’t the full elexir. However I did manage to avoid the pills.
My ‘cures’ and the cures I still go to when necessary, from time to time, is to take a walk, a good half day walk into nature, ideally alone and preferably into a wood, the more ancient the better, though any beautiful nature setting will suffice. I also kept reminding and repeating a mantra at the darkest times which was ‘everything is fine right this moment’ and within minutes everything became so.
xx
Wow. Can I steal your mantra? It’s very true. I think I need to remember that. I admire your avoidance of the pills. Maybe one day I’ll get there. Nature is rejuvenating. I was actually feeling pretty good during a recent trip to California when I was kayaking every day for hours.
My darling girl. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having to endure this struggle. I admire you even more for sharing and writing about it so truthfully, though it had to be difficult. Sure wish I could sit beside you and have a cup of tea and you know, just talk for reals. Happy to see all these responses from folks who care about your well being and your healing. You are always so warm and kind to me, I hope you’ll give some of that heart and soul back to you. You deserve all the best this life has to offer. Love, love, love, Hally *i hugs you*
You’re so sweet. Thanks for that. You’d be an incredible tea date because you’re freakin’ hilarious. There is a kick ass blogging community and the responses are touching. I will give some of that heart and soul back to myself. I’m really committing to it. Pretty soon I’ll love and accept myself so much that I’ll be fondling my own boobs in public, laughing at my own jokes (already do that), and breaking out the one-man high five whenever I do something cool.
Holy cats, you make me giggle.
Much love to you, girly. xoxo
I really want to say something deep and good and totally perfect about you and your courage and yoga and this 12 weeks that you’ll be keeping an open mind, but I can’t seem to put it into words. Just know that love and support is spilling out of my every pore. Love and kittens and giraffes and chocolate bars and appreciation for this constant process of self-acceptance.
Thank you so much. Kittens, giraffes, chocolate, and love are all I need. If there was a way to crossbreed a kitten with a giraffe, I would be in heaven. I’d just run around and wrangle them, do some sun salutations, and call it a day.
I’m late to this post because I just found your blog, but let me just say that coming out with these things is so hard, but it’s so, so worth it. I think. Sometimes I wonder after I did it myself, but yes, the support you receive from people you never knew cared can be the only little thing that saves you in that moment of panic.
I won’t ramble, but I’ve been there. Lately I’ve been going back there in some ways and while my indifference is scary at times, I also know that things can be better. It takes work-and yes, sometimes meds-and it’s not just day-to-day but hour-to-hour. Yoga teacher or not, you’re human. We all are. Mindfulness is wonderful but it’s not an immunity shield. Take care of you the way you deserve. I look forward to reading more…
I like you, and I look forward to seeing you come out on the other side of this most recent episode bathed in light. In my experience, meditation and yoga puts one more in touch with oneself and what’s happening on the inside, all pretty bullshit aside – perhaps without so much experience with those arts, you would not have made such a good and healing choice for yourself. There is no normal, there is just the lot of us rambling around with our own secrets, terrified of being found out. You are not alone.
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How are you feeling now?
Up and down. Things really started falling apart after that post was written, but I’m still here and doing my thing, so that’s a plus. Thanks for reading!