I’m too broke to purchase a plutonium-powered DeLorean and hot tubs are just a UTI waiting to happen. So I guess I’m shit out of luck when it comes to a time machine. Otherwise, I’d jet back to my infancy for a life re-do. Unfortunately, I’m just going to have to be where I’m at.
In my emotional turmoil/mental breakdown I hurt people I love. Due to my abhorrent behavior, my ring finger is bare, my former fiance moved out, and after a ten year relationship, I’m alone for the first time in my adult life. It’s weird being in an empty apartment surrounded by things that we created together. It obviously wasn’t meant to be or I wouldn’t have subconsciously sabotaged the hell out of us. That doesn’t make it hurt less. He was my best friend.
The weekend after I met him in college, I went home and told my grandmother that I found the dude I was going to marry. And I almost did. I thought I was psychic. But premium psychics always say, “almost doesn’t count” when it comes to predictions of the future. Actually, I have no idea if they say that. I just made that up.
I keep holding on to all that was good in our relationship. I wish my selective memory would fuck off. The truth of the matter is that it wasn’t ten years of bliss. I haven’t been happy for a while. It’s not that he did anything horribly wrong. I just haven’t been happy with myself. I’m not the person I know I can be. If I can’t get my head right, no relationship will be successful.
I’ve never had the space to figure my shit out. I’ve had a boyfriend from the time I was 16. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to be alone. Probably because I’ll have to face my shadow. I consider myself pretty self-aware and I know all about my insecurities, judgements, fear, anger, and negativity. Awareness and constant self-reflection aren’t enough. It’s time for me to accept these qualities, stop acting on their impulse, and eventually free up the energy they have a stranglehold on. I’m tired of being a slave to my inner-bitch.
Who knows? I’ve had a lot of “a ha” moments that Oprah would find absolutely orgasmic. They don’t always pan out. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be back in the fetal position hating myself. But I have some work to do.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that just because someone has a penis it doesn’t mean they can save me from myself.
hmmmmmmmmm…http://www.osorhan.com/bigo/ (this is not spam).
from far away and within the weirdness that is the interweb, you are (and have been) deeply, deeply in my thoughts.
I LOVE you! That was the best, most appropriate link I’ve ever clicked on. Thanks for making my day. You couldn’t have responded in a more perfect way.
much, much, love to you, too…you are so very welcome.
Ann girl! I just checked your link out and it’s fucking awesome!!! You are AWESOME…both of you! I’m glad you are my sisters in interweb
couldn’t have said it better. one of these days…
That was a bad ass link. I’ve re-read the story about 50 times. I’m glad you’re my sisters in interweb too.
I’m fond of saying that I’ve worked too hard for my regrets to want to get rid of them. And I sorta mean it. I’ve come to an understanding with myself that I really can’t wish that I’d done anything differently. Nothing. Everything exactly like I did it. It has to stand the way it is. For several reasons:
1) We are all interdependent. And if I could go back and turn left instead of right on one of those days, I’d also be screwing with everybody else’s life since then.
2) I was doing the best I knew how. Messed up though I was, I was doing the best I could with where I was and with what I knew at the time. And now that I’ve grown up a bit I can criticize my past self (who no longer exits) for the very reason that I now know better than I did then. Not fair to keep beatin up on and blaming the ignorant jerk that I was.
3) Life is hard and I need to be paying attention. If I’m walking around thinking about how I screwed over my girlfriend that time just being selfish, I’m going to walk out in front of a truck or something.
4) I really, really can’t undo what’s done. Really. I know that, but if I’m spending time wishing that somehow I could, then maybe I don’t know it.
What I’m saying, my friend, is that I wouldn’t change anything even if I could. And I have some mighty screw ups. I do. Seriously. Good ones. But that’s my karma and it is all so much bigger than me and so mysterious I wouldn’t dare mess with any of it. All I can do is the best I can right now. Work my way out of my selfishness. Try to see myself without any words. The world needs you and me just the way we are with exactly the history that we have. Exactly the history we have. You have a voice and a heart that does good and that arises from your entire experience. You are a blessing exactly as you are. Me too.
Thank you for that. You’re comments are always insightful and I know you’re right. Maybe I won’t think of things I’ve done as regrets that I would change, perhaps just learning experiences. I’m coming to terms with it. The whole concept of the shadow self fascinates me and I know I have to embrace who I am and who I’ve been to let it go.
Imagine all the room you now to stretch out. The things you can say that won’t offend the person with the penis. Time to work yourself out and what you want and need.
I’m on the same road.
I’m sorry to hear you’re on the same road. It does suck. But you’re right, it’s the perfect opportunity to figure out my life. I would love to hear what you say that would offend the person with the penis. Haha.
Lady. Lady. I feel you. And I like what Bharat has to say about the mysteriousness of life. Mysterious, uncomfortable, painful, workable, beautiful life. Here’s another non-spam link to something that touched me this week when I really just wanted to hide out under my covers: http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=3741
Wow. Thanks for that link. That was sad and inspiring at the same time. I loved when he said he was in love with the world. I’ve realized that I’ve been on autopilot for a long time and things like that interview make me realize that there’s so much out there to engage in and maybe shitty times are just a wake up call to go live your life. That really made my day.
I don’t even know what to say here, because this is so beautiful, yet sad to read. I’m sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. But I think you’ll find some comfort in facing your own shadow and being on your own as long as you want. You’re a marvelous person, with many gifts, worthy of buckets of gold and rainbows of pure love. I’ll bet you have some good karma coming your way. Receive. it. <3 Love, H
Thanks lady. You always somehow say just the right thing. I would love buckets of gold right now and rainbows of pure love at a later date. I don’t know how great my karma is at the moment, but I’m going to go on a mission to do some good deeds and take whatever positive energy I can get.
This is great writing, great insight and great candor. I’d say I’m so proud, but I think if I’d been paying attention, I’d see that you’ve always had this talent. This self-awareness. This light. i love you.
I’d say you are in my thoughts, and in fact, you are, but the older I get, the more I realize thoughts alone, without action, don’t do much. I’m here for more than thoughts if needed.
My love! I just saw your blog on tumblr. How exciting. I’m going to have sign back in there and follow you. Thanks for the kind words. Thoughts count for a lot, particularly when you live across the country. It’s nice to know I have amazing friends who care. You’re in my thoughts as well and I’m sending you, Devon, and your adorable baby positive vibes. Love you fool!
many of us are on this road and what ‘helped’ me recently was my old friend Alan Watts getting his message on to you tube and here it is-
Oh no. It says this video does not exist!
oh! Here’s a different one but just as good
Wow. Thanks for that. What a great a message. I definitely cannot follow the path that is expected. I left my former job because it seemed so pointless to spend my life doing something I didn’t like doing, chained to a desk. If I ever have children, I’ll show them this clip. The second I heard his voice it instantly made me think of arguably one of the best monologues in movie history from 1976′s Network: